My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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