Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
