Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
