My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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