she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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