She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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