Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
then he tried to convert me to islam
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
