i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
