his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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