She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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