I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You were trust falling into bushes
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
