Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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