I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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