I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The uberlube is also flammable
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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