Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
