why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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