so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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