just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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