Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
