You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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