Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
