Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
