i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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