If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
