Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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