FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
