I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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