Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
