Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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