I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
