dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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