How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
