Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I forget how to act sober
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