tell your sister to shave her snatch
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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