Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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