my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
