I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
