Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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