We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
