Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Me too!
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
