Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
