Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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