Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
