saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
