dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
