Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
