I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
