my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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