Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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