I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
