I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
