So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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