fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
