He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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