Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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