i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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