drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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